and you know what? it's not just the ping-pong show they offer anymore. to keep up with these wild and crazy times, those wild and crazy thais have stacked their repertoires with anything and everything sick perverts like you (and me) would want to see.
as an avid photographer, i've always wondered what the greatest photo i'd take in this land would feature. would it be a fiery sunrise over a white-sand beach? a saffron-cloaked monk posing in front of a gilded wat? a wrinkly-faced, toothless old woman wearing traditional indigenous dress? no, my friends, my finest picture has already been taken, and it features none of these clichéd subjects. it merely shows a list. not just any list though, but a menu of what you can see if you're willing to (allegedly) shell out 500 baht (approx. $13.67) on the backstreets of sukhomvit or silom in bangkok.
never in a million years did i think i would capture one of these menus on film. while every thai male from ages 14-60 seems to be carrying one, they are very discreet about showing them off, and all but deny their existence when you ask if you can photograph it. getting this photo involved a bit of pleading, begging, bribery and downright lying on my part. oddly enough, these are the exact skills the touts have used to con me time and again, so i'm really surprised they fell for it. dose of your own medicine, fuckers.
ladies and gentlemen, behold in all it's glory: sex show menu.
as i glanced over the list, every item made me laugh a little harder. in fact, it's been 3 days and i still can't read it with a straight face. if i could, i'd like to address the items on the menu, point-by-point:
1. okay, that's standard. whoop-de-doo. this is to thailand what the donkey show is to mexico. any guy with a 3rd-degree level of kink has seen this online a thousand times.
2. pussy cut banana? this is a little vague. does pussy wield a knife (or other sharp object), or does it merely snap a banana in half? i guess there's only one way to find out.
3. i'm sorry, this may be interesting to see, but it can't be healthy. not for pussy, and not for me, the second-hand smoker. at least pussy doesn't have to worry about yellow teeth and bad breath. well, maybe bad breath.
4. similar to #2. this may be a case of engrish, which is ubiquitous here. does pussy blow up a balloon, or merely pop it by firing something at it? the latter sounds much cooler.
5. wow, pussy is quite the multitasker. i'd love to have pussy at parties.
6. since grammar isn't really priority #1 on the menu, they could've just kept it short and said "pussy queef." the candle is incidental here.
7. i don't know, and i don't want to know. magic or not, it sounds painful.
8. what does pussy have against bananas? first it cuts them, now it shoots them? you'd think pussy and banana would be friends.
9. is this how it prepares to blow out the candle?
10. also a mystery. but hey, we all like magic tricks, right?
11. how delightfully asian!
12. once again, mysterious. this one really creates some colorful mental images, though.
13. this sounds painful. pass. by "pass," i mean, "sure, i'd watch."
14. this is my favorite, yet it's still open to ambiguity. does pussy merely write out a single letter of the alphabet, or is it composing an entire letter? and if it's writing a letter, will it write what i ask/tell it to? if so, this show would be priceless. pussy, take a memo..."dear mom and dad, you'll never guess what i saw today..."
15. again, painful. doesn't pussy bleed enough already?
16. i'm sure it's mis-worded, but we all get the point. isn't led zeppelin famous for something like this?
17. if fish don't float your boat, i'm sure an eel will. definitely go for this one.
18. yawn. who wants to see this when you can watch pussy write letter?
19. double yawn. this is like going to a fancy restaurant and ordering a hot dog.
20. typical thai ambiguity. priceless, i'm sure.
i'm writing this from laos. deep down inside, i have a feeling i left thailand a little prematurely.
-sg
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