thai 101

a few important words/phrases to know when visiting thailand:*
hello: sa-wat-dii khrap
please: ka-ru-naa khrap
thank you: khawp khun khrap
ladyboy: kathoey
toilet paper: n/a

that's right. when it comes to using the bathroom in thailand, toilet paper is merely a pipe dream. in fact, pipes themselves are a pipe dream, as indoor plumbing is more or less nonexistant. thankfully, i was informed of this fact before i arrived, and had the forethought to pack a single roll of t.p. for my 6-week trip, which by my own estimation, is only a few days supply under the best of conditions**. though i was mentally prepared for a month and a half of getting dry off my own supply, i hadn't really put any thought into what the locals do when it comes to wiping.

as it turns out, the reality of the situation is far messier than i would've ever imagined. first of all, most toilets here aren't actually toilets with a rim, or seat, or flushing mechanism, or reservoir, or any other aspect that would deem it worthy of the name "toilet." in fact, the only thing toilets out here have in common with the ones from home is a hole. these, my friends, are squat toilets, and apparently they're all the rage in this part of the world. they pretty much look like giant kleenex boxes that sit on the ground, and as the name entails, you squat over it, do your duty, then use a spray hose (if you're lucky) or a bucket of water with a little pail to clean yourself. yeah, really***. and what's worse, with no plumbing, you have to pour water from said bucket into the toilet to force your business down the hole and outta sight. any way you look at it, it's not a pretty sight. or smell. thankfully, i've encountered a few western-style toilets, but these still need a bucket of water dumped on them to be "flushed." it took a very upset hotel clerk to provide a visual demonstration at 2 a.m. on my first night for me to figure this out.

but don't worry, thailand's not all squat toilets and stinky trash bins. there's also the matter of food. apparently, there are two types of thai food: the kind you encounter in thai restaurants at home, and the kind people eat in thailand. oddly enough, there is very little similarity between the two. in the restaurants we all know and love, there's an endless supply of noodles and curries of various degrees of spiciness to keep you satisfied. out here, well, they still have that in restaurants, but when it comes to street vendors, where most food is found, i still have no idea what they're serving. i have found the occasional fried chicken or pad thai vendor, but for every one of them there's someone selling worms, crickets, various inedible-looking fish, chicken feet, and other mish-mashes of colors and smells that just don't exist at home. as much as i'd like to be adventurous, i just can't bring myself to try anything that has the potential to give me quality time hovering over a squat toilet.

i'd love to continue regaling everyone with my misadventures, but i have to find some people i met before we all go our separate ways in the morning. but don't fear: thailand isn't all shitty food and shitty shitting situations. the people are great, the scenery is beautiful, and the ladyboys have been totally avoidable so far.****
-sg

*assuming you can remember them, which i can't.
**se asia is NOT the best of conditions.
*** i shit you not.
****that, or they're so well altered, i just can't identify them.